Slow as molases in January

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I’m having a tough time eating more healthy and exercising. I just want to sit and rest. Working on the weekends is really making me tired on my days off. I was doing really great eating healthy, and I was doing Richard Simmons workouts, walking in my neighborhood and on the treadmill. I haven’t exercised in a week and I can definitely tell a difference. Today at work I used the stairs to get to and from my unit and I was out of breath and my heart was pounding. It makes me feel kind of bad because my husband is so faithful about exercising.

The urologist called this week and told us to go back to the fertility clinic because there isn’t anything more he can do for us. That kind of hurt because I thought that he could really help us. I have a friend that is going through the same thing and she is telling me to relax and give myself some time. I’m 29, and I guess I’ve got plenty of time to figure out what we’re supposed to do. I wish that I had the ability to have a face to face conversation with Jesus to ask Him what His plan is. Happy Valentine’s day to me.

taking care

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I’ve been eating more fruits and veggies and drinking less coke. I’ve been staying away from processed foods as well. I have been trying to get exercise by doing some Richard Simmons workouts and walking in my neighborhood with my dog. It’s amazing how different I’ve been feeling. I don’t feel like sleeping all day anymore and I actually have energy. I’ve been going to bed and taking melatonin to help me rest, and I wake up feeling refreshed. I set my alarm for about 8 hours of sleep and get up and get moving and start my day. I am also going to the chiropractor, and I don’t have any more pain in my body. I forgot what it’s like to feel good. I’ve been ignoring my health for a while now, and now that I’ve been taking better care of myself I just feel fantastic.

I’m ready for some positive things to happen in my life.

Exciting things

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We went to a new urologist and I am going to go back to my old OB GYN. We got some very useful information about male fertility health. Man can take vitamins C, E, folic acid, Selenium, Zinc and these will give sperm energy and protect their outer coatings. Men are suggested not to eat products with soy due to low levels of estrogen. I also learned that our fertility clinic really bumped up the prices of our treatments. I’m not really all that surprised. I’m just frustrated because when couples feel desperate to have children we are willing to pay any price that doctors will charge to help us. If we think we’ll get a baby out of it we’ll do just about anything. 

Taking a break was a great thing for my husband and I, and we feel more relaxed and a lot more laid back about the world of fertility. I can’t give up yet. We’ve been eating healthy foods and exercising in hopes to increase our chances. It’s been tough, but it feels so good to feel so great.

Bad mom

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What is up with the state systems now? I have a patient that had a family member call up to the hospital and say that she does drugs and that DHS has taken one of her children from her. No one bothered to test the mom or the baby for drugs to see if this was true. When I go into the room it reeks of cat urine, and a coworker tells me that is a sign of meth use. They have little reddish scabs all over their bodies, and this is a sign of past “tweaking.” This patient is so manipulative. She asked me about getting a breast pump, and I told her that it is too early to start pumping. I wanted the lactation nurse to see the patient first to make sure that her baby is latching properly. Do you know what she did? She told the patient tech that I forgot to get her a breast pump, and the tech went and got it. It made me angry because she was telling me lies about the nursery nurse before that. She is just going to do what she wants regardless of what I say and that is that. I can’t do anything about it. The state knows she does drugs and doesn’t do anything about the fact that her baby is screaming and in pain withdrawing from meth or that her two-year old acts out because he’s getting meth through exposure to the smoke.

Some days when I come to work and I encounter people like this I get so frustrated. I don’t know why I’m expected to smile at this lady and treat her with respect and make sure she has a “great stay.” She will get her 15 minute message and go to her baby’s “birthday party” and have its pictures made in our professional studio.  She’s going to act like she’s the perfect mother and think that all the staff at the hospital is stupid and doesn’t know anything. But I will go in there with my happy face with my heart aching for her. My heart is broken for that whole family and how lost they are because of their addictions. Now you understand why it’s hard not to bring my work home with me.

New Year new plans

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It’s a new year finally. Why is it that when there’s a new year we feel like we get a fresh start? It is just the continuation of life as it is currently going. Wow I sound a little pessimistic. I do have some very important goals for this new year though. I’ve taken a good look at my health and my body in my Christmas pictures and I want to do something about it. I’m tired most of the time and I really don’t have that much energy at all. I’d like to be able to go into any store and pick out clothes and have them fit. I have a plan on how I”m going to get this goal accomplished. I am hoping that by losing some weight I can get pregnant. I’ve got PCOS and the number one thing that doctors suggest to do is to lose weight. Both my mom and I feel like something positive is going to happen this year.

The next thing that I want to do is stop taking shortcuts with friendships. I want to stop texting and call people on the phone because I am afraid that my people skills have diminished some. I want to be able to spend more time with friends doing things together. I’d like to rely on relationships a little more instead of feeling lonely.

I want to pay off some bills this year. So far I’ve been getting called in on my on call shifts and this extra money sure helps. My husband and I are taking a trip to the mountains for our anniversary, and we need a vacation so badly. I just love hanging out with him and making memories.

I’d also like to get involved in my community and do things to help others. I have so much free time and I’m just sitting around the house wasting my talents. I want to step up to the plate and use my time wisely.

Confused.

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Why is it that wise decisions are usually hard decisions to make? Such as… I want a baby and I want one now. We did some fertility treatments, but not very much due to lack of funds. Now we think we may want to adopt, but we’ve got some bills that need to be paid off. I think that I’d feel much better if we could pay these bills and be able to put any extra money toward adoption or fertility treatments. I really don’t know what God’s plan is in my life and I’m not going to try to force any more issues that are on my agenda. I guess I’m pretty much open to anything at this point. You see I’m the kinda girl who has to have a plan. I like to have an idea of what’s going to happen when it happens. I’ve even considered going to the psychic that is on the highway close to my house. I’m glad that I haven’t stopped by though. In the mean time I guess I can continue to have my nieces and nephews over to stay and try to have as much fun as I can with them. I’m really looking forward to the holidays, and my dream is that I have my whole family at my house Christmas Eve. I’m not sure if it’s going to happen, because my sister is being a pain about being around my mom right now over something that happened two years ago. I’m really working on her.

Right now work is going really well and I love working only on the weekends. Here lately there’s not been a whole lot of low-census. There is definitely a baby boom going on right now. So since I like to have a plan… my plan is to work and pay off bills.

Make a decision already

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We got a packet in the mail from an adoption agency in the area. I get butterflies in my stomach while reading the material.  It’s a spiritually based company. We have been doing research on the different types of adoption, and we have been talking about what our desires are in adopting a child. Could this be God’s plan for my life? I’ve been hearing “adoption” being whispered in my ear, but I was thinking that it was me saying it. It sorta seems like it’s easy to do. We emailed someone one day and received a packet the next. Now we fill out our paper work and send it in. There’s a check list of how an adoption goes and we’re on number two already. I’ve always thought deep within my heart that if something is not God’s will the door slams shut, and if it is in God’s will I get this amazing peace about it and things happen easily.

So the fertility treatment thing didn’t exactly work out. So will the adoption thing work out for me? I have some worries. Will our families love and accept this child the way we will? Some may say does it matter? Well… yes, it does matter! You know the saying it takes a village to raise a child? Well it takes a whole family to raise a child, and I’d like to know with confidence that my child can call my mom, grandma and my brother, Uncle etc etc. I know without a doubt that I’d love this child to peices and next to my husband would be my world. So I guess I’ll pray a whole lot about this and see how things unfold.