I woke up today and feel like I’ve almost had a change on heart. I don’t think I want to put myself through any more fertility treatments. I don’t like it and it scares me, and I’m tired of looking at my husband as a sperm bank instead of my lover and my best friend. I’m angry. I can’t believe that I have put so much time and energy into wishing my life away for something that just doesn’t seem to be attainable for me. I’m tired of looking at what I don’t have and I want to focus on what I do have. I have a great family and wonderful husband and some positively wonderful friends.
Here I have been boo whoing about this one little area of my life when there are people in this world that don’t even have anything to eat. I feel disappointed that I’ve been so mean to myself. I’d really like to learn how to love myself: fertile or not.
I’m really struggling with not being able to start a family right now. I am trying to put my attention toward eating more healthy and exercising. I’ve made some great friends in the past year and I’ve been trying to spend some time with them. I’d really like to get a kitten or puppy, but my husband says that one dog is plenty. We had a cat before but she was not very friendly, and she was constantly freaking out and scratching things. I still have 3 scars on my left leg from a time she freaked out and then scratched me. She lives with someone else now.
I feel much better physically though. I’ve been going for walks and doing a Richard Simmons video. On Valentine’s week I did not do to great with eating healthy. I had lots of chocolate and pasta.
One of my friends let me borrow her SAD light and I’ve used it on days the sun isn’t shining. I can tell a definite difference. But mentally I am really struggling, and I’m seriously considering going to a counselor to talk things out. That last counselor I went to was trying to get me to question my faith and was trying to push me around. I think that’s why I’ve been so defiant in finding another.
What if I can’t have a baby? What if I never become a mom? I know five ladies right now that are pregnant, and one that lost a full-term baby right before Christmas. I sigh. What if this is God’s plan for me? I’m not so sure I can accept that right where I am right now. I have so much hope and some pretty high frustration about my situation. Having PCOS is such an involved health issue, and I’ve got all the signs and symptoms. It’s sad that I feel like my friends get tired of hearing me talk about it. I don’t feel like I can openly talk about the hurting in my heart with the people I care about. I know my husband and I can talk about it until we’re blue in the face. I don’t really know how to focus my energy on anything else. I’ve pretty much stopped “trying” and now I’d like to try to do something else to keep me busy.
How can I focus on anything else when I go to work and work with moms and new babies. I see a lot of messed up stuff, and yet I still have to make sure they have a “great stay.” Nothing makes me more angry than a woman who does drugs while she’s pregnant. That gets me real hot!!!!
I’m having a tough time eating more healthy and exercising. I just want to sit and rest. Working on the weekends is really making me tired on my days off. I was doing really great eating healthy, and I was doing Richard Simmons workouts, walking in my neighborhood and on the treadmill. I haven’t exercised in a week and I can definitely tell a difference. Today at work I used the stairs to get to and from my unit and I was out of breath and my heart was pounding. It makes me feel kind of bad because my husband is so faithful about exercising.
The urologist called this week and told us to go back to the fertility clinic because there isn’t anything more he can do for us. That kind of hurt because I thought that he could really help us. I have a friend that is going through the same thing and she is telling me to relax and give myself some time. I’m 29, and I guess I’ve got plenty of time to figure out what we’re supposed to do. I wish that I had the ability to have a face to face conversation with Jesus to ask Him what His plan is. Happy Valentine’s day to me.
I’ve been eating more fruits and veggies and drinking less coke. I’ve been staying away from processed foods as well. I have been trying to get exercise by doing some Richard Simmons workouts and walking in my neighborhood with my dog. It’s amazing how different I’ve been feeling. I don’t feel like sleeping all day anymore and I actually have energy. I’ve been going to bed and taking melatonin to help me rest, and I wake up feeling refreshed. I set my alarm for about 8 hours of sleep and get up and get moving and start my day. I am also going to the chiropractor, and I don’t have any more pain in my body. I forgot what it’s like to feel good. I’ve been ignoring my health for a while now, and now that I’ve been taking better care of myself I just feel fantastic.
I’m ready for some positive things to happen in my life.
We went to a new urologist and I am going to go back to my old OB GYN. We got some very useful information about male fertility health. Man can take vitamins C, E, folic acid, Selenium, Zinc and these will give sperm energy and protect their outer coatings. Men are suggested not to eat products with soy due to low levels of estrogen. I also learned that our fertility clinic really bumped up the prices of our treatments. I’m not really all that surprised. I’m just frustrated because when couples feel desperate to have children we are willing to pay any price that doctors will charge to help us. If we think we’ll get a baby out of it we’ll do just about anything.
Taking a break was a great thing for my husband and I, and we feel more relaxed and a lot more laid back about the world of fertility. I can’t give up yet. We’ve been eating healthy foods and exercising in hopes to increase our chances. It’s been tough, but it feels so good to feel so great.