Monthly Archives: October 2010

Make a decision already

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We got a packet in the mail from an adoption agency in the area. I get butterflies in my stomach while reading the material.  It’s a spiritually based company. We have been doing research on the different types of adoption, and we have been talking about what our desires are in adopting a child. Could this be God’s plan for my life? I’ve been hearing “adoption” being whispered in my ear, but I was thinking that it was me saying it. It sorta seems like it’s easy to do. We emailed someone one day and received a packet the next. Now we fill out our paper work and send it in. There’s a check list of how an adoption goes and we’re on number two already. I’ve always thought deep within my heart that if something is not God’s will the door slams shut, and if it is in God’s will I get this amazing peace about it and things happen easily.

So the fertility treatment thing didn’t exactly work out. So will the adoption thing work out for me? I have some worries. Will our families love and accept this child the way we will? Some may say does it matter? Well… yes, it does matter! You know the saying it takes a village to raise a child? Well it takes a whole family to raise a child, and I’d like to know with confidence that my child can call my mom, grandma and my brother, Uncle etc etc. I know without a doubt that I’d love this child to peices and next to my husband would be my world. So I guess I’ll pray a whole lot about this and see how things unfold.

So many changes

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I had breakfast with my pastor a couple of days ago. We work at the same place. I asked him if he didn’t mind ministering to me. I told him that I’ve been quite down in the dumps lately and that I’m having a hard time praying, reading my bible, and just have a bad attitude. My brother just had his 4th child and it’s been harder on me than I thought it would be. This baby is perfect with a great name, very sweet and pretty. All I can think about is my empty arms.

I’m trying… really I am, to stop thinking about how much I want to start my family. I have my husband and my dog, and I should be so very happy for them because so many people don’t even have what I have. I just feel so tired and worn out and feel like I want to cry. I just can’t seem to get the tears to flow.

When I was there visiting with him he was telling me about life stages and what to expect in each one. I think I may be at the beginning of one those life stages and I’m trying to figure out what’s important to me and what maters in life. I’m doing some serious soul searching.

Bad attitude

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I’m grouchy right now. For some reason everything that I encounter is on my last nerve. If someone cuts me off while I’m driving, if someone rings me up too slow at the grocery store, if my patients want to do something in their time and not mine, ect. I don’t like this person I am right now. I feel dark, nasty, and very sin-filled. I can hardly pray and I feel like all I do is complain. I’m at a loss about what to do. I know it’s happening, and I don’t know how to get out of it.

I did just move from an old hospital to a new one and that was definitely stressful. I do have an ankle injury that is pretty much making me stay inactive. I can barely walk up the stairs in my house without being winded.

I am, however, able to work on the weekends and I am paying off some bills that need paying. That feels pretty good. I’ve been able to spend some time with my niece and nephews, and I’m crazy about them. I have been considering taking some classes to learn how to sew or make cakes. I just haven’t had any energy.

I want to clean my house from top to bottom but I can only do a little bit each day. I’m having a hard time keeping up with everything I need to do. Wearing this boot drags me down and makes me feel down. Pray for me please.