Monthly Archives: September 2010

God putting the brakes on

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This year has gone by very quickly. I had bunion surgery in January and took three months off from work. I took pain medication for about one month and then started physical therapy. The therapy exercises were not fun and hurt. When I went back to work I had pain again and ended up having to get a cortisone shot. This shot did not feel good and was not a pleasant experience. I got back to work and so much had changed since I worked last. I had to catch up quickly. After I had been back to work my husband and I decided to start fertility treatments. The testing was… let’s put it this way… not fun! All of the treatments turned out to be a waste of money, emotions and time.

Now I am struggling with an ankle injury from falling off a bed and twisting my ankle. I thought it was just a sprain and I walked on it for about three months just hoping it would get better. When it didn’t and I finally got to the doctor it was a couple of very bad ligament tares. I’ve been wearing an air cast for 3 weeks now. It has slowed my down a lot, and I have been feeling very frustrated and down in the dumps. I was hoping to train for a half marathon for next year. I’ve never done one, and last fall my doctor suggested that I train for one to help me get my weight down. I have a huge desire to do it, and I would be so proud of myself if I was able to do it.

This year has been like walking in a pool of water with so much friction and drag, really slowing me down. The year has been flying by but I have been going very slow. This has been a better year than last year, but it has been a very trying year. I think that God is trying to teach me something through this year and I’m not really sure just what it is.

Why the insecurities chic?

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Whenever I meet someone new and I like their company I concern myself with how I appear to them. Especially if they are very pretty. I feel self-conscious with how I look.  I have a hard time with female friendships. I find myself over analyzing every conversation and interaction with this person. In my adult years I don’t have any close female friends that I would consider a best buddy. I am still in the college frame of mind even though I’ve been out for 5 years. I am used to having my best friend as a room-mate or living across the hall in the dorm. They were always available for a run to Wal-mart, lunch, shopping, etc.

Now I have to complete with children and husbands, work, hobbies. I feel lonely even though I am married. There is a void that is there from not having a friend that I can always rely on. I keep telling myself that I’m an adult now (I am almost 30) and that I’m not the only person that matters now. But you know it would be nice to matter so much to a female friend that she would always be there for me even though she has life with her. I mostly feel like I’m a second-rate citizen at this time in my life.

It has been a tough adjustment during this chapter of my life.

Hiking or Camping

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Do I need to “hike” or “camp” on looking into adoption? There are many females that get pregnant that are not responsible mothers. There are many great women that can’t have babies that would love to have the baby of the not responsible mother. Here is my theory. I’m big on loving God and honoring his laws and seeking His will, and He has chosen not to allow me to become pregnant in this chapter of my life. I can’t deny that I have questioned His love because I always knew that I wanted a baby and never thought that I wouldn’t be able to have one. This is my heartache now.

So my theory is that a woman who can’t get pregnant on her own would be a better mother than a woman who doesn’t have to fight for motherhood. The woman who adopts a baby will notice everything about that child and will smile when she hears her baby cry. I think God allows good people not to have babies so that we can mother the unwanted babies. We will love them so much more than we could have loved our own children if we didn’t have problems getting pregnant.

At this time in my life I have stopped praying about this issue because I’m tired of talking about it to the Lord.  I just know that He has something for me that is so much better than I ever could have imagined. That faith is what keeps me going.

How to pray

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In my adult life I have thought about what my spiritual gifts are. I’ve taken some quizzes and done some studies about what they would be. I think the gifts of healing and prayer are the ones that stick out most to me.  I think that many christian people think of God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit as a deity that may crush them if they don’t do the right thing or say the right thing. So in the prayer lives of many we become very formal and speak to God like He’s our boss.

I like to have a conversation with the Lord. First I sit down and take a couple of breaths and relax and try to clear my mind of distractions. I tend to get all the bad things I’ve done off my chest before I even start praying about my concerns. No doubt there is almost always something on my heart that I haven’t done the way Jesus would. I’m human ya know. I tend to pray for people in my closest circle first because they are who I think of first. I have a group that I normally pray for, and then I pray about others that have asked me to pray for them.

Praying for people when we say we will is a big thing that I’ve been working on this last year. With all the trials I’ve been through this year I’ve spent a whole lot of time praying and begging God for what I wanted. I started to feel convicted about how selfish my prayers were. I saw a prayer list at church and once I started to get to know the people I really started to care about them. I felt like God was leading me to keep track of these prayer requests in a book  so that I could see when they were answered. I love to go back and look at all the ways the Lord has worked in the lives of others because of prayer.

When I pray prayers I am very specific about the requests. I like to give a how, when, where, and why because I think the Lord likes the details. It could be the control freak in me though. Funny huh? I guess I’d like to be considered a “prayer warrior.”

The gift of healing is a deep subject. Healing can be mental, emotional, spiritual and physical. I’ve noticed that I can be sitting in a doctor’s office and someone I just met will tell me his whole life story. To me, I think it is very healing to a person to get the words out of their mouth that have been cramped up in their brains. The physical healing part has been sort of strange in my life because I am a nurse. I can give advice and medication to help heal people. But I remember a couple of times when I have laid my hands on a woman and prayed for her and the next day she was better.  I can’t give anyone but Jesus the credit. I just happened to be listening the times  He told me to do it. I’ve had many opportunities to talk with patients about difficult living situations, living with addictions, having fears that they don’t know what to do. Just sitting there listening to them and not saying anything helps them to sort through their options and is healing to them. You’d be surprised by how powerful this is. I have so many stories about this, too many to share.

My connection with the Lord

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I’ve always had a very special connection with the Lord through my prayer life. When ever I pray I have no doubt that the Lord is hearing my prayers, and I pray very specific prayers. I think I even pray for things that most people would never consider praying for. I have prayed for patients that have problems passing gas and I’ve prayed for myself to pass gas as well. My prayers aren’t only about who is going to pass gas though. I remember once praying for rain for one weekend and it ended up raining. I remember this because my Dad was planning on going hunting, and if it rained he was going to take me somewhere. So I guess it was that important to me that my Dad take me to this place that I prayed for it all week. My mom always says that if someone wants something done to have me to pray for that situation. I can’t really explain it.

I sometimes know what’s going to happen seconds before it happens. It’s usually small insignificant things, but sometimes it surprises me. I also have very vivid dreams that I feel are full of hidden meanings. I feel like the spiritual world is hidden from human’s eyes, but that it is so real.