I woke up recently and I smiled. I had no stress and my dog was laying beside me wagging his tail. What a great way to wake up. I was driving down the road and smiling. I’m praying a little more for other people and their problems and focusing less on myself. I can call and talk to my mother and my friends and talk about anything. I was wondering when I would start feeling this way again.
I have this terrible problem of always having to have a plan, and my plan did not work out the way I thought. I’m having my first cycle since all the fertility treatments have ended. It’s bitter-sweet. I’m so happy that I can concentrate again and not feel like my head is up in a fog. I’ve been getting envolved at church singing in the choir. Singing is my first love and it feels so great to be back to doing that. My house is spic and span and I cook just about every night. Seems I can go on after not being able to get pregnant.
Now my mind thinks about adoption. But I want to shut it off, and be right where my husband is… not thinking about anything that has to do with babies. He doesn’t have to see them every time he goes to work like I do. I saw a baby last night that was so gorgeous that I got tears in my eyes. I do remember that my hormones are playing tricks on me.
I still have a looooong way to go, but I can look back on those dark days and see how much I’ve grown and changed through this experience.
I had a patient that was very sick while she was pregnant. She had to have blood transfusions and was on a magnesium drip. Then she finally delivered her baby, but her baby went to the intensive care unit. She was sharing with me her experience of being sick and told me how her nurses never let her know how serious her illness was. She said that looking back she can see now how bad it was, but that her nurses kept their calm the entire time. Since she was on all kinds of medication she was “backed up.” She had two options that had been ordered by her doctor: colace and a fleets enema. She reluctantly agreed to the one that would give instant results. She said she couldn’t sit down at this point. She was pretty nervous but I got it done gently and quickly. I had her turn side, back, side, back over and over again. It still wasn’t working so I suggested that she walk in her room. Later I came by to check on her and I knew it worked. She said she gave birth again to a nine pound poop and that she felt like a new woman. She told me that I was a saint and that she’d let my boss know. How funny is that.
I get asked all the time how I work on the OB unit with all the new moms and babies. I have always wanted to deliver babies as a Labor and Delivery nurse from the time I graduated from nursing school. I did a special program to learn how to read fetal heart tone strips, induce patients, circulate in the OR during c-sections, etc. There were about 15 applicants and only 6 were chosen and I was one of them. So I went through the program. I have about 1.5 years of L&D experience, and I really enjoyed it. The reason I left was over some personality conflicts. I came to OB-postpartum about 3 years ago and things haven’t been perfect but they’ve been much better. I’ve learned so much on the job in three years. I remember almost every emergency situation like it was yesterday. Looking back I don’t know how I stayed so composed.
I also know two different girls that have gone through fertility treatments just like myself. I saw their reactions and their progress. Each one was able to have a baby and one had twins. I’ve been able to ask them questions and they’ve both been very supportive. I feel like they’re my sisters in a way because they really understand what I’m going through and seem to always know what to say.
I also know two women that I work with that have not been able to have children . One adopted and the other has accepted that she can’t become pregnant. So seeing what happened in their lives helps me to deal with what may happen in mine.
As for actually handling the babies and teaching the mothers, I tend to focus my attention completely on the patient and what she needs. It seems like I numb my emotions sometimes. Not everyday is a bad day though. I have great days too where I don’t even think about becoming pregnant. Actually that is my current goal. My husband and I are trying to focus our thoughts somewhere else. Blogging has been a great thing for me. I can get all these thoughts and feelings out of my mind and body, and can even get feedback from my readers. It helps me to feel sane.
What seems to have helped me more than anything is to get out of my house and try to fous on anything other than myself. I started going back to church, but only because my husband made me. I really wanted to go, and I knew that I should be going for my mental and spiritual health. It seemed like when I went there it felt extra warm and the sermon seemed to be just for me and my husband. Even when we went to sunday school the lesson was just for us.
I went to my parents, I went to the store, ect. I kept myself busy when I was in the house. I turned on my favorite music and cleaned. My prayers were not so great yet, but at least I was talking to God again. I could feel God working in me. I could see God working in my husband. I could see a different sparkle in his eyes. We are starting to heal. I can think about things that are not related to me getting pregnant. It feels so great.
I took my two nephews and one niece for two days, and it did me so good to care for them. They kept me on my toes and laughing. They are precious gifts from God. I especially love the middle boy, and I think the feeling is mutual. He’s such an affectionate little guy and we have the best conversations.
I started going to choir practice and my husband runs the sound. It’s fun to do something together. I also found that the members lift each other up so much and I miss singing so much. I think I may join a Bible study group there as well.
There are very few people that I talk to that actually understand the struggle internally and spiritually that I’ve been through. Usually it has been patients that I’ve met that have experienced that same things. It seems that this type of thing tends to happen to good people a lot more than people that don’t have any business having a baby. In my job I’ve seen my fair share or irresponsible people that have no business getting pregnant.
What kills me that most are the females that do coke or heroine and pretend to be surprised by the fact that her baby is really sick and in the NICU going through withdrawal. What’s even more messed up is that the state allows this woman to take this baby home with her.
I see a lot of young girls as well. Mostly 16 and 19 thinking they know everything there is to know about being a mother and don’t allow me to teach them a thing about caring for their baby. Most of the time these girls don’t parent the baby, it is her parents that do.
Here’s a thought. Maybe the Lord allows good people to not have children so that they can adopt and love the children of the people that are not capable of doing so themselves.
So how do I work in the area where I work while I’m going through this? Honestly some days I go home and cry. Some days I believe that I just shut off my emotions and just try to become numb.
But as mad as I got at God about the whole thing… I can feel him holding me and rocking me and comforting me. He has done far too much in my life to stop believing in His love. How else could I wake up every day, and how else would I be able to continue to pray for the people and the patients in my life.
How could I be a good aunt to my nieces and nephews? If God is not with me I would not be able to look at my friends beautiful children and love them. So I have to figure out what God’s plan is for me. I’ve been praying for the healing of my and my husbands hearts.
We are working on our relationship to remember why we fell in love in the first place. It wasn’t just to have a baby. We’ve been through far too much knowing that the Lord is in charge of all to waste another second trying to fight His will. I’m trying to learn how to not fight it and trust that He knows what’s best.
The torture I put myself through with the hormone treatments and all the invasive procedures felt like such a waste after I found out my IUI failed. I felt failed by my doctor, failed by my body, and most of all failed by God. I was mad at Him, really mad. How could He do this to me? I also feel so embarrassed that I think this much less write it or say it out loud. I was so diligent in my prayers to Him, and my family and friends were praying so hard as well. I even had one friend that said he just “knew” this was the month. I had so much false hope. I wanted to hope desperately, and any glimmer of hope I would cling onto. My poor husband, he was right there beside me riding the fertility rollercoaster with me.
I couldn’t really say much to the Lord for a couple of days. I definitely didn’t want to see any of my friends or go to church. I wanted to sit on the couch and sulk. No one knew what to say to me really. So I wrapped myself up into the “New Moon” book by Stephanie Meyer. This was my escape from real life. My husband even told me that I’m obsessed. I was like this for about a week before I decided that I wasn’t going to have tea with the devil any longer. I made myself get off the couch and live life. Even if it was hour by hour. You know what is crazy. I’ve never been pregnant or lost a child but it felt like I had.
When we started our next round of fertility treatments the doctor tested my hormone levels again and made out a plan for doing femera and timed activities. I did urine tests to check for ovulation, but those tests have never turned bright pink for me like they should. There is just a slight tint of pink on the stick. Blood tests did confirm however that I did ovulate. No pregnancy though and so we geared up for another month of hormonal torture.
The second month I took the femera again and went in for ultrasounds to check for follicle size. I had nothing on my right ovary, which I kind of knew because I only felt pain on my left side. They did see two follicles on my left side and they were 14 mm, but they needed to be at least 18 mm in order to get the Hcg trigger shot. It broke our heart. What do we do now? We waited for what seemed like forever to see the doctor. When they called out my name I went into a room with my husband that had a desk with one chair on one side and two chairs on the other. We sat in the two chairs and a nurse came in to tell us that the doctor had decided a new plan for us. I was to take the femera again for 4 more days and come in again to get another ultrasound. At this point I don’t really want to discuss how much this was costing us. To them it was like sticking their hand into the cookie jar to pull out a cookie. No skin off their noses.
We asked our family and friends to pray for the follicles to grow. I prayed diligently every second I thought about it. I knew that this was going to be the month. There were two follicles which meant double the chance of getting pregnant or having twins. My dream would be to have twins.
So I went back in for the ultrasound and one of the follicles was 19mm and one was 17 mm. So it was time for the Hcg trigger shot. It would cost $40 if the nurse gave it to me so I knew that I was going to save the money and do it myself. Easier said than done let me tell you. I’ve given thousands of shots, but when the needle is in my hand pointing at my stomach I was startled and paused for a bit. The nurse encouraged me to “just do it” and so I did and it hurt like crap. I rubbed that spot for a greater rest of the day.
We were to come back the next day for the intrauterine insemination. Which did not turn out to work. The waiting period for my husband and I was slow as molasses in January. The struggle emotionally, physically and especially spiritually was tormenting.