Overcoming trials

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How do people live without God in their lives? I know that sometimes if something bad happens I feel like I’m grasping at straws for help or support. I always have my mind and my words to pray to Jesus about anything.  I know that sometimes I do feel alone, and I don’t know how someone would be able  to spend every second of their day trying to do things on their own.

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My connection with Jesus

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Ever since I can remember I’ve been big on praying. I’ll pray about anything. I’ll pray for a patient with stomach problems, the weather, my dog, my finances, family, church members. I even pray about things that I think others may think aren’t worth praying about. See the thing is that I think that there is not one thing in our lives that Jesus hasn’t been through himself. He gets our human emotions, and he can handle them in our prayer life.

New baby

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We have adopted a puppy. He is just a precious little angel. His name is Rusty and he is 7 months old.  His body is orange and white with a curly tail, has an underbite with one tooth that curls up over his top lip, and eye brows that show his moods. His vet thinks that he is a basenji/ chihuahua mix and I see both in his personality. He shakes when he’s nervous, hunt rabbits and rips their heads off, he yoddles and barks. He has quite the personality and wins your heart when you meet him.

He does the funniest things. My husband came upstairs to see me with his phone in hand and shows me a picture of how Rusty had, some how, pooped on the wall!  What a talented little fella we have. Just last night I was getting ready for work and he was lying on our bed and he rolled over and put his paw up toward me to let me know he wanted his tummy rubbed.  When he gets a bath he runs around the house like a bat out of Hades and chases his tail. It’s a scream to watch him.  He is a real cuddle bug too. He sleeps between us every night.

He stayed with his Grandpa and Grandma when we went on a vacation to Florida. My mother was telling me how Rusty looks at Dad like he hung the moon.  She took the cuties pictures of Dad and Rusty taking a nap together.  Rusty jumps up onto his lap and Dad has a long conversation with him. Rusty looks up at him and reacts with moving eyebrows, ears and head cocking, like he knows what he’s saying .  Our hearts are warmed by him coming into our home.

Life with death

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I love my dog Luke. He’s been with my husband and me for 5 years. I love the way he comes to find me whenever he is let out of his cage. I love the way he barks when told to speak. I love his puppy-dog eyes look that he gives me when he wants a scrap of food off of my plate. He has allergies and in order for him to not scratch his skin off we’ve had to treat him with steroids. This medication causes kidney, liver and heart disease. We took him to the vet for some tests and what they found really surprised us. His heart is enlarged and pressing up on his esophagus, the lining of his stomach and his intestines are thickened and he has pulmonary edema. We tried treating his skin with antibiotics and a couple of other medicines and we were giving him lasix twice a day for the pulmonary edema.

     He was not getting better at all, and it was breaking my heart to see him suffer so terribly. So we made the hard decision to put him to sleep. My house is so empty and quiet and I’m feeling so so lonely. He was my buddy and kept me company all day long. He was my bed partner and my snuggle buddy. I was with him when he passed on and it was traumatic.  The hardest times are at night and first thing in the morning. We had a routine together, and he was a major part of my life and I will miss him so very much. No other dog with ever be able to replace him. I miss him so much every single day.

woke up today

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I woke up today and feel like I’ve almost had a change on heart. I don’t think I want to put myself through any more fertility treatments. I don’t like it and it scares me, and I’m tired of looking at my husband as a sperm bank instead of my lover and my best friend. I’m angry. I can’t believe that I have put so much time and energy into wishing my life away for something that just doesn’t seem to be attainable for me. I’m tired of looking at what I don’t have and I want to focus on what I do have. I have a great family and wonderful husband and some positively wonderful friends.

Here I have been boo whoing about this one little area of my life when there are people in this world that don’t even have anything to eat. I feel disappointed that I’ve been so mean to myself. I’d really like to learn how to love myself: fertile or not.

Feelings

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I’m really struggling with not being able to start a family right now. I am trying to put my attention toward eating more healthy and exercising. I’ve made some great friends in the past year and I’ve been trying to spend some time with them. I’d really like to get a kitten or puppy, but my husband says that one dog is plenty. We had a cat before but she was not very friendly, and she was constantly freaking out and scratching things. I still have 3 scars on my left leg from a time she freaked out and then scratched me. She lives with someone else now.

I feel much better physically though. I’ve been going for walks and doing a Richard Simmons video. On Valentine’s week I did not do to great with eating healthy. I had lots of chocolate and pasta.

One of my friends let me borrow her SAD light and I’ve used it on days the sun isn’t shining. I can tell a definite difference. But mentally I am really struggling, and I’m seriously considering going to a counselor to talk things out. That last counselor I went to was trying to get me to question my faith and was trying to push me around. I think that’s why I’ve been so defiant in finding another.

What if?

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What if I can’t have a baby? What if I never become a mom? I know five ladies right now that are pregnant, and one that lost a full-term baby right before Christmas. I sigh. What if this is God’s plan for me? I’m not so sure I can accept that right where I am right now. I have so much hope and some pretty high frustration about my situation. Having PCOS is such an involved health issue, and I’ve got all the signs and symptoms. It’s sad that I feel like my friends get tired of hearing me talk about it. I don’t feel like I can openly talk about the hurting in my heart with the people I care about. I know my husband and I can talk about it until we’re blue in the face. I don’t really know how to focus my energy on anything else. I’ve pretty much stopped “trying” and now I’d like to try to do something else to keep me busy.

How can I focus on anything else when I go to work and work with moms and new babies. I see a lot of messed up stuff, and yet I still have to make sure they have a “great stay.” Nothing makes me more angry than a woman who does drugs while she’s pregnant. That gets me real hot!!!!